In my last post, I said 3 words that I never thought I would say while living here – “I am happy.”
The depth of those words didn’t really resonate until a few days later. They weren’t just words. I AM happy – the happiest I have been in over a year – and it is wonderful.
When we first moved, I didn’t think it would be a walk in the park. But, I definitely didn’t think it would be as difficult as it was, either. And here I am – 1 year, 12 weeks, and 3 days later – stronger, more brave, and so much happier.
The realization of that happiness sparked something within me. I began doubting our decision for D to quit his job and us to move straight back “home.” The whole reason for moving back immediately was that I honestly didn’t think I could be happy ANYWHERE else. Since that wasn’t the case anymore, maybe we should explore a few other places first? Did we need to settle somewhere right now in order to have a community in the future? Do we need to live somewhere we want to raise kids, when kids are still multiple years down the road? I began to think about my reasons for wanting to move back to Virginia immediately, and with the question of happiness aside, the only thing I could come up with was that I am scared of losing my best friends. The same best friends who stayed by my side while I lived almost 4,000 miles away for over a year. The same best friends who have seen me through some of my bests and some of my worsts. The same best friends who I know love me unconditionally. What gave me any reason to question that living a little over 1,300 miles apart would suddenly change everything? Nothing. All of the worry, all of the doubt, it was all unnecessary. So, after a lot of talks and some tears, D and I have decided to put our move to Virginia on hold and give Texas a shot. I have no doubt that this will be another difficult move – it’s a transition, and transitions are hard. But, I now know that I CAN be happy in other places, and I will.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t know when my mindset shifted. I assume it was gradual, but maybe it was sudden? All I know is that I HATED my life here, and now I don’t. I know that I wanted nothing more than to move right back to Virginia with my friends, and now waiting a little doesn’t seem so bad. As our time here draws to an end, I regret how unhappy I was, and I am sad to say goodbye to this chapter of my life. How much more could I have traveled if I had just been happier? How many more people could I have met if I didn’t let anxiety cripple me? How much more could I have grown if I had taken a step back and let myself live? The good news is, we still have about 13 weeks left here. We have time to take a few extra trips. I have time to push myself to try new things and meet new people. I have time to purposefully connect with the people I do know here. To let myself flourish in this newfound happiness.
I am nervous, but excited. I am scared, but brave. I am intrigued to see what this next chapter holds. I am ready to take on life. I am happy.