Shallow, unsteady breath, heart racing, uncontrollable shaking, the taste of metal in my mouth, lump in my throat, red hot tears stinging my eyes on the verge of spilling over, nausea, the feeling of the walls closing in around me, and the thoughts…all of the thoughts.
Quite a few of these “episodes” have left me exhausted and disheartened the past few weeks.
On November 1, I joined D as we moved to Tokyo, Japan. We left S at D’s parents, we left our home, we left our friends, we left comfort. Normal life is on hold, and the anxiety I had been working to conquer now has its claws deep inside of me, again.
I feel like a disappointment for reaching this point. How, after a previous international move, too many goodbyes to count, therapy sessions, self-help books, talking all of this through with my home team, all under my belt, how is this still a thing? How have I not conquered this already? Why does it still have its grip on me?
I am so torn between wanting to experience Asia, wanting to make the best of our short time here (6 months), and wanting to throw in the towel and go home. But, I am the most stubborn person I know, so I know that I won’t. I don’t want to be a further disappointment. I don’t want to be seen as weak or a quitter. I don’t want to be known as someone who gives up when shit gets hard. So, I will stay.
I am trying to keep in mind, “wherever you go, there you are,” and to remain present and grounded in the now. I am working to implement ways to lessen or prevent anxiety in certain situations. I am trying to prove my strength and resilience to myself and to others. I am learning to surrender.
“Don’t look for peace. Don’t look for any other state than the one you are in now; otherwise, you will set up inner conflict and unconscious resistance. Forgive yourself for not being at peace. The moment you completely accept your non-peace, your non-peace becomes transmuted into peace. Anything you accept fully will get you there, will take you into peace. This is the miracle of surrender.” – Eckhart Tolle