Today has been one of the hardest days I’ve experienced since moving two and a half months ago.
I didn’t go out and experience anxiety. I didn’t encounter language barriers or culture shock. I barely even made it out of the front door before turning around and coming right back inside, where I stayed all day.
When I first moved on November 1st, I had 9 days before one of my best friends came to visit. Between her visit and another friend, I wasn’t alone until beginning of December. After that, I had about 2 weeks to workout, explore a bit, and have a small taste of life in Japan before another friend’s 3 week visit. He left on January 4th, and I’ve been fighting like hell to stay above water ever since.
I am disappointed in myself for not being able to handle this experience with the strength and courage I expect of myself. I feel ungrateful for not constantly going out to explore all that Tokyo has to offer. I feel like a failure for not being able to implement some of the key principles I learned from “The Power of Now.”
I feel like the anxiety that built up has manifested as depression. I am sad. I am tired. I frustrated. Getting out of bed each morning feels like a huge task. Making myself go to the gym and workout alone feels like trying to climb Mt. Everest. Most days I don’t even make it to go explore until D gets home from work and we can go together.
I’m not really sure where to go from here, so I’m going to start by listing some facts and some self-reflections I’ve had today.
1 – I am in Japan for at least 89 more days. Between visitors, planned trips, and weekends, at least 47 of those days will be spent by myself. 47 days isn’t much. 89 days isn’t much. When I look at it from a larger view, it seems manageable. It’s the day to day that gets me.
2 – I need to be around people. Not just any people – the people I care deeply for. D and the home team, friends, S, family. I thrive when I am in the company of these people. I find joy in hosting, in bringing people together – the laughter and camaraderie, in making people smile. I don’t like being alone. Alone is where I get in my head, where I overthink, over analyze, it’s where I get stuck.
3 – Although I love Crossfit, pushing yourself through a tasty WOD is difficult, especially when you are by yourself. There is no accountability, no support, no encouragement – it’s just you and thrusters or burpees or the fucking ass bike. It takes a hell of a lot of motivation to push yourself at that point – and that’s motivation that I currently can’t seem to find. It makes me really sad to feel this way because Crossfit has become such an integral part of my recovery and health. Now I’m stuck working out because I feel bad/fat, but then having a bad workout because I’m not motivated, and feeling negative about that as well. I miss my Crossfit family. I miss the sanity Crossfit provided.
4 – I miss S. There’s no way around this one. It’s difficult to wake up each morning with the realization that she’s not going to be laying on my head, panting, or pawing me in the face.
5 – I started using a diet/meal plan to help me stay on track during the times we don’t have visitors and we aren’t traveling. I just wanted something to help me hone in during those times so that I wouldn’t feel as guilty for indulging at other times. What started out as a very helpful tool has become a little restrictive due to my mindset. I feel very out of control here, and once again, food is the first thing I turn to. At first, if I followed the diet minimally – just as a general guideline – I felt good. Now, there are days that I feel really negative about veering off of it for a meal or two.
I was very proud of myself for how I used it in the beginning, and I think under different circumstances, I will be able to use it healthily. But right now, I need to change my mindset if I’m going to continue using it.
6 – I am terrified to open up and share any of this with my home team. I would do anything for this group of people – I love them unconditionally – and deep down, I
know hope that they feel the same. I don’t feel very worthy of friendship. The reality is, I don’t know why they choose to be my friend, why they love me, why they accept me. I’ve spent the last few months really working on dealing with the trust issues I have regarding friendships. I think it’s improved – I do trust this group. But, even though I trust them, I don’t feel that I deserve them. I still worry that they will wake up and realize that I’m nothing special – easily replaceable with someone less mentally fucked. I’m worried that they will eventually get frustrated enough to give up on me. That they will walk away.
7 – I feel like I am wasting an incredible opportunity. An opportunity that most don’t get to experience. I feel selfish, ungrateful, and gross. I want to make the most of my time in Tokyo. I want to look back with no regrets. But, I don’t know how to get to that point.
8 – I don’t know where to go from here. I am too stubborn to move back without D, especially given that we have such a short time left (and visitors/trips planned).
I thought I was strong enough to handle this move, and now I’m questioning that strength, questioning my judgement, questioning myself. Maybe I’m not the person I thought I was.
Ending on a positive thought that I am trying to remember each day –
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if only one remembers to turn on the light.” – Albus Dumbledore