All of the Feels

I think I have more feelings than I ever thought I had.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a rather closed off person – less attachment equals less of a chance to get hurt. My parents frequently described me as unaffectionate and uncaring. I never really thought that was true – shy, apprehensive, and anxious I could see, I just didn’t see how that translated to a lack of affection.

As I’ve matured, moved away, met new people, I’ve realized that while I’m not quick to get sappy with my family, if I am in environment where I feel safe to be myself, I have no problem opening up.

I can see that this rings truest when I am around D, C, or A. People who I know love me for who I am and have my back no matter what. People whose backs I have no matter what. People that I couldn’t imagine doing life without.

I’ve talked a lot about missing home and the people there before, but last night I realized that there are multiple ways to miss someone or somewhere or something. Ever since we moved, I’ve missed C and A every day. It’s a constant feeling, one I know is always there in the back of my mind, but also one that I can distract myself from. I like to tell myself that’s how they feel too! 🙂 When you get caught up in life – dog walks, work (if you’re working), schedules, appointments, etc. can work as distractions to keep your mind off of the fact that you miss something. I don’t constantly sit around thinking about how I miss C or A, even though I know that feeling is always there. (Side note – I also constantly miss Whole Foods, Chipotle, and Target).

But, there are different types of missing. The other kind happens when I let my guard down for a few minutes and it hits me hard. This type hurts – heartache, pit in my stomach hurts. It doesn’t happen as frequently as it used to. Actually, during our first few months here, I think I lived in a perpetual state of this type of missing – not healthy. But now, it happens at random times throughout my day or week. A memory, a story I want to tell but then I realize it’s 3am their time, a missed facetime call, a missed event due to distance, or something as simple as needing or knowing they need a hug. Little things (or big things) can trigger this type of miss. It leaves me wide awake at night, hugging myself a little tighter, reminding myself that I only have 5 more months until we are reunited for good. It also reminds me to stop for a second, say a quick prayer, and be thankful for having friendships that cause this type of missing. (Another side note – I have never had this type of miss for Whole Foods, Chipotle, or Target).

But, I also wonder if I am alone in this phenomenon I’ve discovered about myself. D, or C, or A never talk about experiencing this shift in types of missing. It makes me worry that out of everyone this move and this year touched, I was the one who struggled the most to handle it appropriately. It makes me feel weak, anxious, and a little alone. It makes me worry that things might not be “normal” as I knew them before we moved, once we move back. I can’t shake it.

Missing someone is not about how long it has been since you have seen them or the amount of time since you have talked…it is about that very moment when you are doing something and wishing they were there with you. —Anonymous