I want a FitBit.

I’ve wanted one for a while. When I first decided I wanted one, D and I discussed the repercussions it could bring, and decided against it for the time being. I didn’t need anything else that could be a possible trigger, especially with the impending move and overall uncertainty of what the next few months would hold after that move. I settled on a Timex sportswatch.

Fast-forward 10 months later, both A and C have FitBits that they wear and enjoy using. And I’m back to wanting to join the FitBit club!

First, I can’t come up with a specific reason to get one. What do I NEED it for that my Timex currently isn’t doing?

  • Heart Rate monitor – I’ve never really thought about using a HR monitor. I could be useful with HIIT training, but I’m not sure I would use it that frequently.
  • Sleep Tracker – My sleep hasn’t been great since college, so it would be nice to understand why with the help of the sleep tracker feature.
  • Step Counter – I already use the health app on my iPhone for this, but it could be nice to go on runs/walks without my phone.

Second, what aspects of the FitBit could be triggering?

  • Calorie Counter
  • Step Counter
  • Weight Loss

I feel like I am at a place where I’m not easily triggered (especially when I follow my normal routines). I did extremely well holding myself accountable last week while D was away. But, I don’t know if now is the time to test myself and risk possible triggers or just continue the way I’ve been doing things.

So, I want to know your thoughts on FitBits (or other activity trackers) in regards to ED recovery. Any advice, experiences, etc. are welcome! 🙂


When brain and body don’t match…

“I wish my stomach was more flat and toned.”

“I wish my legs were thinner.”

“I wish I had abs.”

All things I’ve either heard or said within the past 24 hours.

Then this much needed, very straight-forward text from a friend:

“Maybe your brain needs to change!!!!”

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it does.

So, now what?

I’ve come to realize that sometimes, my brain doesn’t always match my body. This can happen in so many different ways.

Sometimes, I see fat that isn’t there. Sometimes, where D sees defined ab muscles, I see rolls.

But, mirrors lie, and eyes can deceive.

I know that I eat healthily. I know that I enjoy my workouts AND they are in moderation. I know that I am strong and that I can lift heavy barbells. I know that I can run a mile if I want to.

And even though I know all of those facts about myself, my brain still jumps to those “trouble areas” I pick at. It ignores that my muscular core allows me to do squats and burpees and deadlifts and toes to bar (and hopefully one day soon, handstand pushups). Instead, it focuses on the flaws that it makes so vivid and real.

So today, I’m working on changing my brain in hopes that one day, my brain might match my body. In hopes that one day, my brain appreciates a thicker core that allows me to meet my fitness goals.

Maybe my stomach isn’t the most flat or the most toned. Maybe I don’t have super defined abs. Who cares?

“You’re a human being, you live once and life is wonderful, so eat the damn red velvet cupcake.” – Emma Stone


I hate goodbyes.

Goodbyes are like the final period at the end of your favorite book. You don’t want the story to end, and yet that period is still there, finalizing the novel. You know there will be sequels; there might even be a movie; but for now, the story has come to an end.

That’s what it is like with visitors. After living in a country away from family and friends for almost 6 months now, D’s mom and brother visiting was wonderful! It made this still foreign place feel a little more “normal.” But, today their two week visit came to an end – the proverbial period at the end of their novel, “The Netherlands.” Sure, there will be plenty of other novels with them, just as there will be with our other visitors. But that doesn’t make the end of this one any easier.

Dropping off the brother I never had and a mother-in-law (that I consider more of a mom to me than my own mother) at the airport was difficult. Even so, I managed to hold back the tears – no need to upset them before a 7 hour flight back to the US. Driving home felt like moving in slow motion. My heart was heavy, my stomach felt heavy – I was sad.

And to think I’ve got to do this again at least 4 more times before the end of the summer!

But, it made me start thinking about sadness.

A few months back, I made a commitment to myself to be happier. I decided to stop taking things for granted, to embrace life as it is, and find the good in everyday. I think when I made that decision, I unconsciously decided that a commitment to happiness meant a commitment to never being sad. I realized today that that’s not the case. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay to feel those negative emotions. Whether it’s a difficult goodbye, missing a friend, getting yelled at by a Dutch person, or just having a bad day – being sad sometimes is okay!

That realization made me feel 10x lighter! It’s hard to try and stay happy 24/7. I think as long as I am committing to being happier MOST of the time, and letting myself feel the sad feelings when they come, I am in a good place! Especially since I am making conscious efforts to cope in healthier ways during the sad times.

So, I’m going to take today to be a little sad about this mornings goodbye. I’m going to sit on the couch, watch Netflix, and cuddle with my puppy. I’m going to continue to remind myself that these “goodbyes” are more like “see you laters.” And once I feel a little better, I’m going to do something that makes me happy!

Goodbyes are not forever. 

Goodbyes are not the end.

They simply mean I’ll miss you

Until we meet again.